The No-No List

Now that we've covered the big trends of this season, let's talk about some MAJOR faux pas, things that we (and our readers) hate to see. I was very pleased to hear from readers that they share some of the same dislikes that I do. This is a broad list, so for brevity's sake, I've cut it down to the really big fashion no-no's. Watch out for future posts on more things to never, ever wear! I'm not putting pictures up because, frankly, I can't stand to look at this stuff and I don't want to put you through the torture! If you need an example, you can google image any of these things and see what it is.

1. Crocs! I could go on for days about how these horrible plastic descendants of jellies are destroying the culture of fashion, but I'll spare you guys. I refuse to believe that they're comfortable- it's PLASTIC for heaven's sake, so I know your feet are sweating and that said sweat has nowhere to go. That's lovely, your feet are festering in your own sweat all day in ugly crayola colored shoes. These belong in 3 places: the garden, the hospital, or the garbage.

2. Thong hanging out of the pants. Don't tell me this is something you just can't help. You can, you just don't want to, because you secretly like being trashy- only it's not really a secret because your thong is hanging out the back of your pants ADVERTISING IT. Get a lower rise thong, pants that fit (or a tailor), or some double stick tape and make it work. This isn't now, never was, and never will be sexy. This includes accidental whooops my thong is showing when I lean over moments as well as, I'm a huge whore and pull my thong straps up so they show on my hips faux pas.

3. Hosiery/Socks with open toe shoes. Seriously, what are you doing there? You're wearing open toe for a reason, so go with it. You wouldn't wear a rash guard under your bikini, would you? This is one of the dumbest things ever! Most companies no longer require hosiery, and if yours does, stick to closed toe shoes for work.

4. Muffin tops. Delicious when it comes to baked goods. Unsightly and ruining my appetite when I see them on people. For those of you who don't know, you're muffin topping if your waist/belly/backfat is oozing out over the top of the waistband of your pants, making it look like the top of a muffin spilling out over the paper wrapper. On people, this is hideous, disgusting, and makes me want to tell them about the slimming effects of wearing the right sized clothes or going to the gym. Seriously- wear clothes that fit, it'll take off about ten pounds.

5. Dark undies/light clothes. Usually we see this with the dark bra and wife beater combo, but there have been sightings and reports of dark undies under white pants, skirts, and dresses. Really? You didn't have ANYTHING else you could have put on? I'd MacGyver my own underwear out of band-aids before wearing dark panties under a white skirt, you filthy piece of trash. PS, if your skirt is see through, wear a slip. We don't want to see your goodies. Likewise, if it's short, don't go commando. Britney Spears didn't set a good example.

6. Body jewelry. I don't have anything against it in and of itself. I used to have my own belly button pierced, but then, I kept my shirt on so it was really only exposed at the beach. And it was small and plain. This is acceptable. What's with the giant, bejeweled belly button jewelry the size of a deck of cards? Chains going all over the place, around the waist and up and maybe down to other piercings. Too much going on there. I can see it through your clothes, or worse, you dress to show it off, which is just whorish. And stop suggesting to boys that they'll have the opportunity to see where else you're pierced. When will the trashiness end? Not to mention the stupidity of connecting multiple piercings via a chain...it's one thing if you're a bad ass, but if you're just a skank, yikes.

7. Suntan hosiery. This is not a good color for almost anyone. Likewise, if you have dark skin, don't get the light "nude" color. It looks this wacky bluish grayish color. If you must wear hosiery, try opaque tights, which are acceptable in fun colors, or sheer stockings in the color that closest meets your own skin tone. And please moisturize under there. You'd be surprised what a difference it makes.

8. Camel toe. You've all seen it. You've maybe even heard the song. I'll quote it now: "Is your crotch hungry, girl? Cause it's eating your pants!" Camel toe grosses all of us out. No one wants to see it, and frankly, it can't be comfortable. Get pants that fit, and underwear that keeps your pants out of your business.

9. On a similar note, Spandex. This miracle of science has helped us get jeans and button down shirts to fit better, wear much more flattering swimwear, and live happier, more comfortable lives. While Spandex is marvelous and helps to accommodate all of our figures, let's be reasonable about who should really wear a lot of it. People of size should avoid skin-tight items. For them, Spandex should be used as a fit aid, helping to smooth bumps and give a clean line- NOT to squeeze into a smaller size. For the skinny crowd, this is your lucky day. Spandex is a privilege, not a right, and skinny minnies, the privilege is all yours. You can wear a tight top. You can wear tight yoga pants or leggings. These items don't look right on a larger figure or often on a moderate, average weight person, but you, you high metabolic rate freak, can wear this like it's your job.

10. Grody feet. Go buy a ped-egg, it's like ten dollars at Bed, Bath and Beyond, so use a coupon and get it. You'll be glad you did and so will I. It's because of your nasty feet that I'm afraid of feet to begin with, so let's start taking care of them.

11. Uggs with skirts. I don't get this look, I never did. It's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Heavy winter boots with a miniskirt? What, your knees are hot but the rest of you...not so much? You look ridiculous.

12. Head to toe Ed Hardy. Some of us like the tattoo art, some of us not so much. Myself, I'm a little over it, I like the art, I hate the shameless brandishing of the brand name, and the trend has, in my mind, run its course. OK way to wear it: Ed Hardy t-shirt, regular jeans, regular shoes, regular accessories. Not ok way to wear: Ed Hardy t-shirt, shoes, jeans, hat, and bag. Understood? Let's keep this stuff to a minimum instead of piling it on, which just looks cheesey and like you're trying way too hard to fit in.

13. Mom jeans. Youtube Mom Jeans on SNL and you'll eventually find that SNL skit on the mommy jeans from years ago. Avoid this style at all cost. Not flattering, not cool, not attractive. At all. Don't want the super low rise that a lot of the premium denim vendors offer, and want a lower price tag? Try Lucky Brand, Kut from the Kloth, or Old Navy.

14. Black pants and shoes, white socks. Really? I know you're not Michael Jackson, so stop trying to dress like you are. 'Nuff said.


Monday:

The makeup no-no's.